All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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