no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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