ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
