Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
