phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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