TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
