I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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