you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
