Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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