The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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