I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
