I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
