So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Are we still banned from the library?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
