i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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