Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
