if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
