My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
