i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
