your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
