Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
