if you like me you must not know who I am
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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