remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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