Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
cat food counts as protein by the way
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize