Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
