Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
