Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
