Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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