guys are not supposed to queef...right?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
