so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize