You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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