meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
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