I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I could make wine with my vomit
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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