Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My cat gives me a boner
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
