I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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