What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
