Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
