he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize