Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
