I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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