Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
