Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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