just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
