i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
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