Screwed.edu
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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