I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Pants are for mortals
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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