I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
