i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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