I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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