you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
