Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
