God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
