my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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