Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
