Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
