dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize