My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
When are your genitals available?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
