she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
