i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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