She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
