the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
