Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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