Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
