Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
only you would photoshop your dick
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
