The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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