Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
