Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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