the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
