i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
