first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
