I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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