hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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