I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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