Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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