Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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