Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I cut my penus on the lid.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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