Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
