my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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