weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
