So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
