Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
