My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
