Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
