Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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